Has your therapist ever asked you how you feel about your therapeutic relationship? Maybe it seemed like an odd question. If you’re seeing them privately, you pay them to be there so why does it matter? If you are in therapy to explore a very specific issue, it might not feel like an important thing to think about the relationship between yourself and your therapist. But, regardless of modality, it widely acknowledged that the relationship itself is the most important part of the therapy. In this post, we’ll be exploring why the therapy relationship matters and what it offers.
To feel comfortable enough to share with another person, we need to feel safe. This safety might differ in what it means for individuals but safety is key in therapy. It might mean that you sense you can trust your therapist, you know that they will not break confidentiality as an example. You can trust that they will be at your sessions and will let you know if they can’t be there. It might sound simple but when we think about all of our relationships, we might recognise people in our lives that we cannot trust in this way, reliability and a respect of privacy are not a given in all relationships. This sense of safety signals to us that it is okay for us to open up about challenges we might be experiencing.
Safety can also be associated with the qualities of the person we are talking to. We all know what it is like to share something difficult only for someone to say ‘oh that’s not a big deal’ or ‘you’re being silly’. Therapists offer a relationship in which you are not judged in this way, you can talk through what is going on without fear that they will be dismissive or judgemental. Again, this is a fairly rare experience in our wider relationships.
Unconditional positive regard is a term used to describe a key element of the therapeutic relationship according to person centred theory, developed by Carl Rogers’ back in the 1960s. It means that your therapist will view you in a positive light regardless of what you bring to the session. They will try to understand you as best as they can, your emotions and behaviours that emerge. Their warmth and understanding is not conditional, unchanging even if you behave ‘badly’. Maybe you talk about an argument with someone and how you lost your temper or cheating or any number of things that others might pull their care away for. Your therapist might not condone your behaviour but they will still care for you and view you as someone who is doing their best.
These are just a few aspects of the therapeutic relationship that make it unique and could explain why you feel able to talk to your therapist about things you cannot discuss with anyone else. But what does a good therapeutic relationship help us with other than making us more comfortable with sharing?
It provides a mirror
We can view the therapeutic relationship as a reflection of your relationships outside therapy. Yes, it is different but we often behave similarly across relationships and therapy offers a space to notice that. Your therapist might notice that when you start to get emotionally close, for example, you suddenly pull away. There is no judgement on this but being open to discussing it could support you to recognise when this behaviour shows up and how it is impacting other relationships in your life.
It can offer a new blueprint
Our previous relationships, particularly those with our caregivers, will impact on how we are in relationships today. A blueprint is determined when we are babies, determined by the attentiveness and responsiveness of our caregivers. For example, if our caregivers were often distracted and unable to meet our needs, we might find it difficult to trust others to support us and work to maintain a strong level of independence as adults. The therapeutic relationship, therefore, might be very different to what we are used to. It can allow us to experience what it is like to trust another person and be attended to.
It provides a ‘secure base’
If we have a solid therapeutic relationship, the safety of it can encourage us to be open to exploring new things outside of therapy. The concept of a ‘secure base’ is taken from attachment theory. It is the idea that an attentive, consistent caregiver provides security for a child in that the child learns they can go an explore the world with the knowledge that they have someone safe to return to when they are ready. Without this security, we might not feel able to explore or try new things as we don’t feel supported or held with a base to return to if something goes wrong. In therapy, we are often working on making changes in our lives and the relationship enables a safe exploration outside of sessions.
Reflection questions
How is your relationship with your therapist (current or former) different to other relationships in your life?
Is there anything your therapist does that makes you a bit uncomfortable? (for example, warmth or empathy can be difficult for some of us to receive if we are not used to it)
Has your therapeutic relationship taught you anything about yourself and patterns of relating?
How comfortable do you feel discussing the relationship in therapy?
Overall, the therapy relationship offers a unique experience of a reliable, consistent, non-judgemental experience with another person. It provides an opportunity to reflect on all of our relationships, past and present. A strong therapeutic relationship allows us to safely explore changes in our lives. Reflecting on the therapy relationship can be a helpful exercise to work towards greater understanding of ourselves and how we relate to others.
Additional resources
Between Therapist and Client: A New Relationship – Michael Kahn
The Therapeutic Relationship – Petruska Clarkson
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