Most people who start therapy are looking to bring about some type of change in their lives. Change can and does happen as a result of therapy but there are limits and other factors at play, too. In this post, I will be looking at types of changes you might experience through therapy and some barriers to change.
Internal changes
We are always being shaped by our experiences so it makes sense that therapy will also shape us in some ways. One type of change you might notice is something shifting internally. This refers to anything about experiences of your inner world. For example, you might notice that:
you are thinking differently
you are less critical of yourself
you spend more time with your emotions
you have a clear understanding of why you do certain things
These types of changes can be very subtle and you might not recognise them straight away. People close to you might notice slight differences in how you talk about yourself or respond to certain situations.
The somewhat out of our control changes
Exploration in therapy can lead to decisions being made that bring about changes in our circumstances. We might start or end relationships, change jobs or move house. These are changes that others can see. Therapy might help us to recognise what we want outside of other people's expectations. It can open our eyes to alternative possibilities and support us to set goals.
However, we need to be realistic about what can be achieved on an individual level. There are numerous potential benefits of therapy but we are all limited by circumstance. If there are not the employment opportunities or you simply don't have the financial resources needed for a change you'd like to make then it's unlikely to happen. We exist in a social context so whilst therapy can be transformative for many people, we cannot ignore the systemic barriers faced which may mean the extent of the change they experience is smaller.
This doesn't mean your experience of therapy is less valuable, it's just different.
Behaviour change (a.k.a why do I keep doing this?!)
We can reach a point in therapy where we feel a bit stuck. We might have a great understanding of ourselves, how the past is impacting on our present and still feel like we are repeating behaviours that are not serving us. This can be a frustrating place to sit. There could be different reasons why we're struggling to change our behaviour, let's take an example and explore possible barriers to behaviour change:
You might find yourself wanting to stop avoiding difficult conversations. Perhaps you've realised that you learnt this strategy from your parents as they always pretended things were okay when you were growing up. Even though you could sense something wasn't right, you saw things get heated and uncomfortable when difficult topics were raised. So you have spent years avoiding difficult conversations. Now, you're trying to do things differently but still keep putting off that tricky conversation with your manager at work.
We might not be ready to let it go
Even behaviours that harm us have served a purpose and often been a form of self-protection. In relation to the above example, not having difficult conversations was a great strategy for avoiding conflict. It has kept you safe from arguments and discomfort. Even when things were hard, it felt manageable because it was all left unsaid. Letting go of this behaviour means new challenges await.
We don't feel emotionally safe enough yet
If we don't trust ourselves to hold the possible challenges that doing something different might bring, we're unlikely to do it. Again, we come back to the need to protect ourselves. If I don't believe I can handle the potential consequences of having that difficult conversation, I won't do it.
The right opportunity hasn't come up
When practicing something new, we need to feel like we can handle it going wrong. The stakes might be too high for this conversation with the manager scenario. We may need to find lower stake situations to practice with first rather than throwing ourselves into the deep end.
Overall, therapy can help us in many ways that result in changes on a continuum. From things that seem tiny like not using the word 'should' as much when talking about our emotions to significant like making a career change. But all of the changes matter, they all hopefully move us closer to the person that feels the most true and authentic version of ourselves.
What changes have you experienced in therapy? What has gotten in the way?
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