Have you ever given much thought to therapy endings? There are so many reasons why therapy may come to an end, but we don’t often spend much time considering the impact of this. In this post, we’ll be looking at some of the reasons for therapy endings and how reflection on our relationship to endings can be useful.
Starting something new, entering into therapy can be really challenging and many people spend a lot of time thinking about the beginning. There might be a sense of anticipation, uncertainty of what to expect from a new therapist or just anxiety about the whole thing. Your therapist might ask you how it feels to be starting, why you want to start therapy now and encourage reflection on emotions or sensations being experienced in relation to the beginning.
It can seem a bit odd but a common question to ask at the beginning of therapy is also ‘how do you feel about endings?’ Our relationship to endings may be reflected in the therapy so it can be helpful to pre-emptively discuss what this might look like for us. If we tend to avoid thinking about endings, we might avoid talking about it in therapy and just stop showing up to sessions one day. Similarly, if endings feel really painful for us and bring up difficult past experiences, we might find ourselves putting off an ending even if it might serve us well. Reflections on the topic of ‘endings’ can help us to better understand our relationships, how we approach change and indicate how we can work with a therapist to experience a supportive end to the work together.
Reasons for ending therapy
It was time-limited
Some therapy might be time-limited in nature or because we can only afford to pay for a fixed number of sessions. When we know that there are only a set amount of sessions agreed, this can be helpful for keeping everything contained. There can be a clear beginning, middle and end process of the therapy. Whilst there are some challenges with time-limited therapy, it can also provide a sense of safety for others.
We have got what we needed from therapy
Sometimes it can be tricky to put a time frame on therapy and many people prefer to work in an open-ended way. It can be difficult to get a sense of when it is right to end but your therapist should check in regularly with how you’re experiencing the sessions. If you don’t feel like you’re getting anything out of sessions or you want to experience how you manage without therapy for a while, these could be indications for starting to discuss ending.
The therapist doesn’t feel like the right fit
Maybe you’ve had a few sessions and something just feels ‘off’. The relationship is central to therapy being effective so if you don’t feel comfortable within this with the therapist then this could be sign to act. You might find that discussing this with the therapist helps you to identify exactly what doesn’t feel right and you can work through it together. Alternatively, you might want to request some support to find another therapist and work towards ending with this therapist.
What can we learn from endings?
It might be helpful to think back on previous therapy endings (if you’ve been in therapy before) or just endings more generally (ending a job, a relationship, moving house as some examples).
What emotions or physical sensations come up when you think about endings?
Do you have any beliefs about endings? (e.g. endings are scary, can’t cope with endings, endings are about new beginnings)
Can you think of any positive experiences with endings? What made it positive?
If there are no positive experiences in memory, what has been difficult for you with endings?
Do your feelings change depending on whether the ending is planned or unplanned? Relating to someone or something that is important to you?
The way we respond to endings might also link to our relationship to other areas of life including loss and control.
Responses to endings
One common response to endings is to withdraw, we may start to emotionally detach ourselves from the other person (or job, house) so the ending appears less painful. We may start to criticise the object of the ending, for example, as an attempt to convince ourselves that an ending is good.
Another response which also serves to protect us emotionally is to put off endings. In practice, this might look like holding onto things even when they’re no longer serving us or even actively harmful. It can feel like the known not so good stuff is safer than the unknown of life without the relationship or job, for example.
Your response might be a mixture of these or something different. Endings, like most events in life, can activate a multitude of conflicting thoughts and feelings. You might feel excited about what is coming next and nervous about it. You might feel sad about losing some parts of a relationship but relieved to be losing other parts.
What might an ending look like in therapy?
The ‘ideal’ (ideal for who is a good question to ponder) ending is likely to be viewed as one that is worked towards collaboratively. The therapist and client will decide that therapy will end on a particular date and start to wind down the work together. We might discuss self-management strategies, summarise the sessions together and spend some time reflecting on feelings about ending.
Sometimes a client will just disappear. They might stop attending sessions and stop replying to e-mails. This could be for any number of reasons and there is no shaming on this behaviour here. But it can be helpful to consider why you take this approach to ending. Is this how endings typically happen for you? Or was there something that left you feeling unable to discuss ending with the therapist?
An e-mail might arrive ahead of the next session with an indication that the client does not wish to return. This communication might feel more tolerable for some people, a conversation might seem overwhelming. Again, it can be useful to be curious about this. Did you feel like this was the only way to end? Was a conversation too daunting?
However you choose to end therapy as a client, check in with how it feels for you and consider what you might need to do to take care of yourself.
Conclusion
Endings in therapy can be satisfying if we approach them with compassion for ourselves and curiosity of our responses. But they can also be confusing, sad and difficult. An ending in therapy can teach us about how we approach endings elsewhere in our lives, we can deepen understanding of ourselves and consider different ways of navigating future endings.
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