We all have an inner critic, a part inside us that has a tendency to criticise, blame and be pretty brutal to us when we make mistakes. Inner critics will often have their ‘go to’ phrases that seem to be stuck on a loop.
You’re stupid You’ll never be good enough Why are you always messing up?
It can seem relentless at times. You might notice the inner critic is louder in certain situations or when you’re particularly stressed. It might constantly pick on you at work but give you more space when you are at home or vice versa. Similar to our responses to many emotions, we often have an urge to find ways to stop the inner critic, to shut it down as quickly as possible. This response makes perfect sense, it can leave us feeling horrible about ourselves and demotivated so pushing it away is logical.
Unfortunately, it rarely helps. The inner critic, like our difficult emotions, serves a purpose and is often trying to communicate something to us. It just doesn’t have the vocabulary or skills to communicate in a compassionate way that feels supportive. But we can learn a new way of approaching our mistakes and allow our inner critic to explore a more helpful way of being with us.
First, it’s worth looking at how we feel about our inner critic. You might assume that you don’t like it but we often place value on it Some common beliefs about the inner critic are:
- It’s the only thing that motivates me, I’d do nothing without it
- I deserve the constant criticism
- The alternative of self-compassion is too soft, it won’t work for me
If we hold these kinds of beliefs, we’re unlikely to be driven to change our relationship with the inner critic. It might be helpful to just begin questioning these beliefs, consider other perspectives. This example scenario might help shift our thinking about the inner critic:
You have the choice of 2 teachers for your child, you go to visit their classrooms.
Classroom 1 – very quiet and tidy, the children get very good grades. When a child raises their hand and gives an incorrect answer to a question, the teacher yells at them and the child lowers their head, starts scribbling down the correct answer over and over again.
Classroom 2 – some noise and a bit of mess, the children get average grades. When a child raises their hand and gives an incorrect answer to a question, the teacher says “not quite right this time but well done for trying”. The child smiles and waits to try again with the next question.
Which of these classrooms would you choose for your child? (In case it wasn’t obvious, classroom 1 is the inner critic and classroom 2 is self-compassion and you are the child) . You might believe that classroom 1 is better and that’s okay, it serves a purpose and the inner critic is likely to have been an ever-present companion throughout your life. I understand the urge to protect and keep hold of it. But remember, we are not trying to push it away but to change the relationship we have with it so that it can better serve us. Choosing classroom 2 doesn’t mean that classroom 1 gets shut down, it just means that we don’t spend as much time there.
The following are some strategies that can be effective with the inner critic:
1. Get to know the inner critic
The inner critic feels like an inner bully, we don’t want to engage with bullies but sometimes it is the only way to get some space from them. When considering your inner critic, ask it:
- Who are you? Does your inner critic have a familiar voice? Do the words remind you of anyone?
- What are you hoping to achieve by criticising me? Often our inner critic is using the only strategy they know to motivate us, to help us grow and correct our mistakes. It’s not the most effective strategy but until they know better, it’s their go to.
2. Visualise the inner critic
Visualising isn’t for everyone but it can be helpful for some people. If you can start to visualise your inner critic and even give it a name, having a compassionate dialogue with the inner critic feels more tangible. Consider:
- Is it a creature? A small person? Or something else entirely?
- Does it have a colour or texture?
- Can you give it a name?
Once you have a picture (it doesn’t have to be super clear), you can begin to interact with the inner critic in different ways. When it feels like it is getting in the way of you living life how you want to, imagine you can:
- Use a mute button or simply turn its volume down
- Brush it off your shoulder (that’s where mine lives)
- Tell it “I need some space, please give it a break for now”
3. Meet the inner critic with compassion
This is often the most challenging part. Once we get to know our inner critic and recognise all the terrible things it says to us and horrible feelings it evokes, we want to get rid of it completely. But, it’s not going anywhere so we need to find a balance of showing the inner critic the compassion we want it to learn to extend to us.
It might feel a bit like teaching a child how to practice kindness, we can’t do that by shouting at a child, we need to show them what kindness looks like. Our inner critic needs to experience compassion, too.
Writing a letter to the inner critic can be a powerful tool to facilitate this, you might start with something like this:
Dear inner critic,
Thank you for always trying to protect me from making mistakes. I understand that you throw insults at me to try and teach me lessons. But, it’s not really working for me right now. I can grow and learn with kindness rather than the constant bullying. If you can step back and give me a bit of space, we can learn together a different way of doing things…
You could go into detail about the specific messages the inner critic throws and how they make you feel, get personal but stay compassionate.
Conclusion
Understanding your inner critic and learning to live better with it is really challenging but can be life changing. So many of us think that the only way we will ever exist is with an internal barrage of criticism but there is another way. It isn’t easy or an overnight solution but an ongoing practice that shifts our internal landscape. When we practice befriending our inner critic, we move towards a place of self-trust and acceptance.
Here are some useful resources to continue exploring the ideas around the inner critic:
Comments